My Heart Sways Back and Fourth

Moving to a different continent from the one you grew up in is hard. It's all or nothing.There are things I like about Ireland, and there are things I like about the US. There are things I dislike about Ireland, and a lot of things I dislike about the US. Ireland is my childhood. It is who I am and what made me. But I have family in Cleveland. Crazy, fun family, who despite the fact that I've only spent a few summers here, I see more than a lot of my Irish family. I have a good job here. There are things about both places that make me feel certain ways, but what’s hard is there is no in-between. It’s one or the other. Sure I can fly back and fourth, but when I am in one place, I’m in one place. I think it’s a coping mechanism.I'm terrible at keeping in contact with people when I'm not in the same country as them. My head wants to focus on what's happening in front of me. My emotions have other ideas. I'm not even sure what exactly I'm sad about. But sometimes I get sad here. I want to be here. But I want to be home. My heart sways back and fourth, sailing aimlessly around my chest because it doesn't know where to dock while the tide rises up into my eyes. I don't want to be homesick. I want to enjoy my time here. I want to enjoy the people and the landscape. I want to enjoy driving around and the fast shipping when I shop online.But yet, I feel so unsure of everything here. Things are different, people are different, the atmosphere is different. People here don’t know Ireland the way the rest of the world knows America. They’ve never watched Irish tv or Irish news; they don't know what craic is or the significance of a cuppa. They don’t even know what shape Ireland is on a map (I draw a pretty good Ireland in Pictionary and no one knew what is was - even the people who knew i was trying to draw ‘irish dancing’). The U.S. is more different from Ireland, from Europe, than even I perceived before moving here. There’s a language barrier and a cultural divide bigger than you can image.But I will live my life here. I have promised myself that I will be here, I will breathe the air and experience things and I will be here, while my heart sways back and fourth.